If I want to work with an impossible person then I must:
Control my thoughts and feelings:
Realize all of us get stressed and respond with two channels:
[Facts ]- The actual problem statements.
[Feelings]- My relationship with the other person.
Focus on the expected action, not the PERSON.
Make my point without making an ENEMY!
Clarify their purpose statement versus my purpose statement.
Clarify their expected results versus my expected results.
Slow down my reactions.
Evaluate the alternative solution statements.
I Can Influence an "Impossible Person" - As Follows:
LISTEN TO THEIR IDEAS -- even if I would prefer not to listen.
Respect them.
Maintain eye contact.
If I want to cooperate with the impossible person then I can:
1. Say, "I" have a problem statement.
2. Describe the action/problem.
3. Use coaching words:
"I can help ..."
"I can try ... "
If I do NOT want to cooperate with the impossible person:
Say, "You/we have a problem."
Judge the action/problem.
Use control words like:
"You must ... "
"You have to ... "
IF I want to WORK TO SOLVE THE PROBLEMs with the 'impossible person'.
Stop Judging the 'Impossible Person' & Ask:
"How can I help?"
"How do I feel about his request?"
"Why do I feel that way?"
"What am I able to do?"
"What am I willing to do?"
"Is the situation impossible or is the person impossible?"
"Did my information/action trigger his action?
OR Is his action a repeating pattern with other people and me?"
--- If I talk directly and tactfully with him, what is the likely result?
--- What is the cost? Benefit? Risk?
--- Do I continue to accept his action and not do anything?
--- Do I confront him and request a change of action?
--- Do I avoid (physically leave) the person?
Handle an Aggressive/Hostile Person:
When he attacks my problem and ME then he tries to put me on the defensive to control me.
I can:
Listen and define the problem.
Say, "May I finish before I hear your reaction."
Be specific with hurting him -- in return.
Work on generating alternative solutions.
Use his name.
Reinforce my comments with solid eye contact.
If the hostile person is family then set up a time to talk later.
If the hostile person is a boss, do not walk away.
Handle an 'Impossible' Person:
Stop hoping they will change or DROP DEAD.
Stop blaming/judging them as insecure, strange, wierd, etc.
Focus on Solving the Required Problems:
Ask, "Is it the person or the situation?"
If it is the person then decide if my purpose is to:
Accept his actions.
Change his actions.
Walk away from the situation.
Use the Problem Solving Steps
State our problem/issue -- ask:
"Who/What did what to WHOM/WHAT?"
"When did what happen?"
"Where did it happen?"
"Should we write the problem down?"
Develop a list of alternative solution statements:
"What are your solution statements?"
"What if ...?"
Focus on one solution statement:
"WHO/WHAT needs to do WHAT by WHEN and WHERE?"
Plan the future expected action:
Write down "WHO/WHAT DOES WHAT BY WHEN AND WHERE?"
Follow up - to re-inforce positively:
"When do I have your agreement to follow-up?"
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5 comments:
Handling a difficult person takes a lot of time and energy. Many times a difficult person may like you as, but not your position....take that into consideration. But the question is Why don't that like your position? Many time difficult people do not like change or even the idea of change. Listening is the first step to dealing with a difficult person, letting them lay it out makes them feel better like they have accomplished something. Rephrases what they have said so you can clearly understand there position sometimes makes the person take ownership of their words. This sometimes can make them become very uncomfortable. Taking someone out of their comfort zone can be positive. One thing to remember change takes time even with the most difficult person. Change happens in all shapes and forms. We expect a visual right away and with some people you will not see this. As a leader, we need to value an little change with a difficult person. It takes a long time to change a difficult person a lot of this is do to trust.
I'm amazed not more people have commented. I have spent the last two years of my life balancing out working with difficult people. I have found that I spend more time dealing with difficult people than I do handling student issues, parent issues or anything else.
I have found that in the last year, I had to retrain my brain to take the personal side out of difficult people. I find that most people who put themselves counter to the path of the group (thanks...boids...) are doing it purposefully, in order to draw attention, cry for attention, etc.
I've learned to negate their need for attention with a focus to the plan only. Lou is right to say that you have to stop judging the person's faults, because you're feeding into their need to distract instead of working towards your goal regardless of their intent.
I find that the majority of most teams want to be successful, and aren't afraid of change, but most would rather let the difficult person rule the roost rather than challenge their intensity. I've learned to be steady and even handed, and the group rallies to my team, and the difficult person has to find his place. Sometimes that person will act out more due to desperation, but the group quickly squashes that behavior.
Strong leadership requires keeping your cool, and thinking beyond the distractor to the goal.
Sending this out on the blog for groups 3/5:
3. How do principals allocate resources and manage school operations in order to ensure a safe and productive learning environment?
1) School Walk-Throughs…what is occurring in the classroom…
2) Human resources allocation means effectively assigning staff and using effective scheduling based on shared vision
3) High visibility by principal and model instructional leadership
4) Review, update safety/crisis plans
5) Handbooks, CCIP, SIP
6) Understand that resources are more than money (staff, time, space, materials)…
7) Know/understand district policies and procedures
8) Meet with teams of students at beginning of the year to layout expectations, handbook procedure code of conduct
Time: Class meetings…staff meetings…
Resources: Handbooks…website information… possible funding for training and meetings… Consultants… Student Services… Police/Fire/Safety Advisory Committee
Staffing and Human Resources: Administrator/SIP person/lead teacher assigned to each class…
Politics: Need to have individuals buy-in to the ideas and concepts…need to work together and support… coordinate with Faculty Association…
What will the standard look like if accomplished? Safe, educational environment
How can you evaluate the successful implementation? Measurable matrix to evaluate the outcome a safe and productive learning environment… start with a baseline survey/evaluation… continuous evaluation and modify as needed… The procedures are maintaining/creating a safe environment…
Are there technology tools that can help the process? Computers… EMIS data… websites…
5. Increase our parent community involvement
1) Advisory Groups: parents, business, students
2) School websites; electronic newsletter
3) PTA/PTO, involve parents and community, take the initiative; honest outreach to parents and community
4) Career days – annually (community member)
5) Parent/Teacher Conferences…Open Houses…tied in with other events to increase participation
6) Open up schools to community members…theater arts…cooking classes cook…Band performs…Dinner Theater…
7) News media, use a variety of media to communicate; one call to connect local media, school, and TV
8) Local News coverage/school newspaper…
Time: Coordinate with a Master Calendar and the School Calendar
Resources: Take to committee and break it down; individuals spear-head certain items… possible funding for training and meetings…
Staffing and Human Resources: Program specific depending on what is being done; volunteers…student…staff…parent…community
Politics: Positive/negative impact or view
What will the standard look like if accomplished? Community involvement will improve…
How can you evaluate the successful implementation? Profitable…Survey participants… meet with participants, evaluate as you go…recap…modify…adapt…continue…
Are there technology tools that can help the process? Computer… Internet… newspaper…
tcasey- We all have experience dealing with difficult people. These people seem as if they cannot be reasoned with, that they can do no wrong, and usually are convinced that everything is someone else's fault. In trying to approach this type of person, I believe you must first realize that you cannot deal with the impossible person in the same way you deal with everyone else. One must guard against anger. What ever anger remarks said when working with an impossible person, will only linger and be used later as fuel for that impossible person. Although not always a reality, individuals must try to put aside personal bias that may hinder groups from making decisions for the betterment of everyone involved.
O.K., I’ll comment on difficult/impossible people. I was actually holding out in hope that more people would comment and validate my approach to a situation where 20% of the people can monopolize 80% of your time (if you let them). It appears this is a topic that most people would just assume ignore in the hopes that it will just go away. After all, no one likes to hear excuses, deal with confrontation, or be put in uncomfortable situations. The best way to prevent this is not to let it happen to begin with. If you cave, bend or give in without getting something in return (assuming your right) you have lost the battle and the respect of the individual or more importantly, the team. In the simplest terms, what I have found to work for me is clear and concise communication. Give them (the team) background/situational information, intent and execution timelines, concept of what the final outcome will be, support they are expected to receive, and what is expected from every individual as well as the team. I also define what my responsibilities will be and how I will help the team in achieving the final outcome. Furthermore, lay out your protocols, feedback requirements, and contingencies in advance. When problems are identified, the impact should be addressed and solutions submitted as a team. Lay it all out and ask for feedback (constructive/justified) and make change where appropriate, then put the team to work. I believe this empowers everyone on the team to take part ownership and not want to let the team down. This process may take a little more planning time in the beginning to recognize individual strengths and weaknesses and put procedures in place, but it pays dividends in the long run. I’m sure everyone is saying ‘yeah, right, but what about that one individual that just never seems to get it, does his own thing or out right just doesn’t follow through?’ I generally identify these people up front and assign someone from the team (strong individual) to be the person to keep them on track and out of trouble. If the person does not work with his team and wants to approach me, I listen, thank them, and then ask them if they followed the proper procedures for submitting problems. If not, I then direct them back to their team to inform them and come up with an agreed upon problem statement, study the impact, and submit a solution. I always try to deescalate the situation first and offer them this as an option. They may have a valid concern and solution but the team still needs to be included or informed and they still need to follow procedure. If they insist or become persistent on breaking protocol, then I will listen very intently, thank them for their input, but communicate to them very clearly, without negotiating, what the team and my expectations are and how they can meet them. When all else fails and that doesn’t work then it’s time to take a break and meet at a different time after each person has tried to reevaluate the situation. If the second attempt doesn’t work I may include the team or request that the individual’s direct supervisor be present to resolve the situation. There are many caveats for dealing with impossible people. However, I believe if you communicate early on what your expectations are and you keep them simple, then most will come onboard and you can minimize negative effects. As a side note, I don’t disagree with the methodical process that has been laid out for us on the blog but…. It seems too “touchy, feely” for me (not my personality). I don’t always have the time to hit every step, I’m not here to validate one individual over the team or give them all my attention. I refuse to accept poor quality work and I’m not afraid of hurting your feelings by speaking the truth. Treat everyone the same. Define the task, condition, and standard and people will succeed. Finally, if you’re not afraid to hurt someone’s feelings don’t be afraid to compliment them either and reward success individually and/or as a team.
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